So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.
Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.
If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.
Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.
Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.
Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.
Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.
MATH NERD VAMPIRES
If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.
“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!”
“Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”
“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”
Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”
In the Twilight universe, “vegetarian” vampires have golden eyes from drinking animal blood, a more ethical source than human blood, which would give them red eyes. It has also been established that a diet of human blood makes vampires physically stronger. So, if the Cullens wanted to become stronger without jeopardizing their morals, could they consume mosquitoes instead? How many mosquitoes would they have to eat to survive? Since mosquitoes drink from both humans and animals, what color would their eyes be? Orange? In this essay, I will
on average an adult has about 4.5-5.5 liters of blood circulating in their body. a female mosquito, when completely full, can hold up to 0.001-0.01 milliliters of blood in their abdomen depending on the species. if we take the average of both (5 liters & 0.0055 milliliters), it would take around 909,090 mosquitos to equal the amount of blood in a single human. although there isnt an exact number of the entirety of the mosquito population, we can use fermi estimation. there is about 57 million square miles of total land area on earth, while say 50 million square miles are habitable for mosquitos. with a rough of estimate of 1 mosquito per 50 square feet (overestimate due to area and time of year). after multiplying the numbers and fixing the units, there is a rough estimated 70 quadrillion mosquitos. theoretically, if a vampire lived in a mosquito dense area, such as brazil, indonesia, malaysia, thailand, etc, and could sustainably hunt around a million mosquitos to fill themselves every time they needed to feed, there would be enough mosquitos to survive on due to their large population and fast reproduction.
This is honestly everything I have ever wanted thank you for your contribution to the cause
Hey guys I think I figured out why vampires can turn into bats
“Why is it that you never come into my house unless I invite you?” “Um, it’s called ‘being polite’…?”
“I tried cooking with garlic the other night and got this serious burn on my hand. I think I’m allergic, but all I’m getting on Google is vampire bullshit.”
“Dude can a mirror like… stop working or something?”
“Dude, why do you keep posting pictures of the floor?” “…Those are meant to be selfies, I guess my camera must be broken.”
“Dude, I am all for you expressing your religious beliefs, but could you not wear your crucifix when I’m around? It really bugs me for some reason.”
“Have you ever noticed how cute bats are? like really noticed? sweet lil balls of fluff with wings man.”
“I want to sleep in a coffin…ya kno, for like… aesthetic”
“What’s with your thing about necks lately?”
“MUST YOU KINKSHAME ME IN MY OWN HOME”
“I looked up my symptoms on WebMD, and it says I have cancer.”
So garlic is a natural anticoagulant, but then why would vampires be allergic to it?
Hear me out:
What if vampires made up all the stuff about them being allergic to garlic so that their victims would eat it, thinking it would ward off vamps, but instead it makes their blood easier to drink!
Because it doesn’t clot!
This has really been getting to me recently. Have I uncovered their master conspiracy or am I going insane?
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