I cannot believe that Hermione did not take advantage of that Rita skeeter’ article that said she was dating harry. I would be like HELL YES BITCHES I FUCKED THE BOY WHO LIVED, THE BOY WHO LIVED IS MY FUCKING SEX TOY! GUESS WHAT? HE ALSO DID DRACO MALFOY, 70% OF THE GRYFFINDOR HOUSE, YOUR SISTER, AND YOU ARE THE NEXT!
she could ask their friends to spread they also fucked harry potter to different prophet’ reporters until gets so ridiculous that it lost all credibility.
“Yes, I did the potter” -Viktor Krum
“Of course, Harry is so lovely” – Fleur Delacour
“I showed to him some nice stuff in the bath” – Cedric Digory (does not like to lie)
“He and Malfoy are often at each other” -Severus Snape and the entire Slytherin house
“At the same time” – Fred and George Weasley
“Harry truly is amazing, he is always gentle with us.” – Luna Lovegood with Neville Longbottom hiding behind her, nodding, mortified.
“Let’s just say that he can ride more than just a broom”- Oliver wood
“Let’s just say that he being able to catch the snitch with his mouth was not a coincidence” – Ginerva Weasley.“He made us gay” – Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas.
Harry does not stop glaring at everyone for the entire school year, meanwhile Ron literally cannot stop laughing
At the end of the year Dumbeldore awards Gryffindor an additional five hundred house points for Harry’s achievements at bedding the entire student body, the other teachers all have their heads in their hands they are working in a ridiculous place of ridiculous people
Tag: omfg
HE’LL NEVER RECOVER
Tonight at the gym a man who looked like fuckin Thor asked me out and when I told him I was a lesbian he goes “oh. Chill. You know, my sister and I work out a lot together. She’ll be here tomorrow, same time.”
Like…did Thor just wingman me?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED OP? WHERE’S THE REST OF THE STORY??
UPDATE HIS SISTER IS REALLY FUCKING CUTE
OMG WOMAN GIVE US DETAILS how are we supposed to live vicariously through you otherwise????
It was actually really awkward. Thor was like “hey! This is the lesbian” and I was like oh hi okay we’re doing this and Thor was like “this is my sister. She’s bisexual” and the sister was not in any world amused and then they left and I saw her bench press like twice her brother’s weight but yeah she’s gorgeous I’m gone I’m done for
I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired
jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him
So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:
John Mulaney – early 20th century
Eric Andre – Probably 17th century or so.
Taika Waititi – Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare
Keanu Reeves – We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.
Jeff Goldblum – 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.
Tommy Wiseau – Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.
this is david lynch erasure
Who are the female immortals?
Jenny Slate – Jazz Age Darling, bffs with Alice Roosevelt
Helena Bonham Carter – Refused an invitation to dine with Queen Victoria based on her treatment of the Irish
Lucy Liu – ran away from home to join Ching Shih, 19th century Pirate Queen’s crew. Was considered too soft for fighting and was given an accordion
Bjork – 14th century Icelandic healer accused of witchcraft, also possibly a selkie
Whoopie Goldberg – present during the Conquest of Constantinople but don’t bring it up around her, it’s too fresh in her mind
Tilda Swinton – found sleeping in a peat bog. Carbon dating inconclusive
mice are just twink rats
then what are capybaras?
capyBARA
no but bi harry deliberately fucking with ron like they’re at christmas dinner or w/e and harry just goes “you know ron i’m in love with your sister and everything but if bill was single…goddamn. i’d go there”
bill winks across the table at harry
ron screams
“GODDAMN IT YOU CAN’T TAKE ALL MY SIBLINGS, HARRY.”
“Don’t worry, Ron, you can keep Percy.”
I FUKCGIN PISSED MYSELF
Oh God…and Harry flirting shamelessly with Fred and George and them flirting back just to piss Ron off…..I need it
Ron wakes up to harry wearing a different Weasleys sweater every morning
bless this post
“I noticed, despite the infirmity of her predisposition, that there was nothing infirm about her breasts, which heaved with the merriment of her laughter and buoyed those around her. It was unclear whether I meant her laughter of her breasts. Perhaps both. It was unclear.”
my mom actually got me my gf cause she came up to her and started gushing about me and showed her a picture and was like ‘shes always whining about not having a girlfriend:/ and i always say honey one day the right girl will come!! heres her numer, can you tell her im right??’ and later that day the girl texted me ‘are you really such a whiny bottom that even your mom knows’ and we hooked up and got together afterwards so thanks mom youre the best
i’m screaming every single part of this is wild and it just keeps getting better
The punchline of this comic is the truest thing to ever exist.
It’s a question I’m gonna ask the next time I get the chance
tumblr backup 