A kid at work has decided that they don’t want to play with the kitchen set, and don’t want to play Barbies, but would instead rather take the them-sized stove and the Barbie-sized stove and pretend that they’re mommy and baby stoves.
The baby stove is currently at stove school, which is for stoves.
The mommy stove is at work, and apparently makes soup for a living, which I know because this kid is has been chanting, “I MAKE SOUP AND I DO IT ALL DAY / EVERY SINGLE SOUP SECOND, EVERY SINGLE SOUP WAY,” louder and louder and higher and higher to the point where it’s now either being sung by the world’s loudest mouse or the world’s most out-of-breath six-year-old.
Every time my extended family gets together in upstate ny, we (the Adults) all get wasted & at least 1 giant Family Scandal comes out…..tonight is that night..
We’ve Got A Winner Folks, And It Involves Arson AND A Nun!
So apparently my aunt cecelia (not really my aunt, just the best friend of my dads cousin, whomst we also call aunt) once married a dude referred to only as Florida Asshole. He was named such because he apparently left my aunt cecelia while she was in the hospital, stole all of their stuff, and fucked off to florida. Aunt cecelia then hired a p.i. to find him, as u do, and went down to florida with my dads cousin (who was going to florida for a work trip, and had no idea Florida Asshole was there). Apparently the p.i. told aunt cecelia which city the guy was in, but hadnt found the exact address yet, so ofc aunt cecelia did what any other able bodied half insane scorned person might. She went to a costume shop, bought a full nun costume, and went door to door under the assumption that she was collecting charity. (She did, in fact, donate everything she collected. This was an important fact to her). At one of the houses, she looked in the window and noticed an awful lot of furniture that used to be hers. So she, obviously, went to a gas station and bought several cans of gasoline, threw a molotov cocktail through the front window, and began pouring gasoline over the rest of the house. At this point, Florida Asshole came outside, recognized his ex wife looking like a renegade nun sent to punish him for his sins, and began beating her. The neighbors, seeing the strange new man beating a nun in his front yard while his house was on fire, did the only sensible thing in this story and called the police. Who promptly arrested Florida Asshole for assaulting a nun. Aunt cecelia did not get arrested, came clean to her best friend, and was immediately sent back to new york with a ticket bought under my other aunt’s name. We don’t know if she still has an arrest warrant out for her in florida, and that’s tonight’s Family Scandal!
At the next family gathering im gonna sit down, unsuspecting, w my bottle of rosé and the scandal is gonna be when my cousin whips out her phone and opens it up to this post and then everyone’s gonna scroll thru my blog and im gonna stick my head in the oven
It’s for U.S. Cellular, specifically advertising how great their streaming service is. You can even , the guy in the ad says, stream hours of grass mowing.
And I go… “wait a minute…that sounds weird…why hasn’t this ad ended yet?”
And I look at the bottom.
the ad is seven hours long.
UPDATE
i’m half an hour in
the guy’s come back a couple times. his mower broke down and he went to get more gas. he came back and started it up again, drove around a few more times making comments about it being fun and “you still watchin? weird.” After a bit he took out a ruler and started measuring the grass.
He pulled out a book and a lawn chair and started reading, but he just left and said he’ll be back soon
he brought out an umbrella but it fell over so he left and came back and tried to fix it but it completely broke so he stalked off, dragging the chair behind him. i’m loving this.
HE BROUGHT OUT A HAND-HELD UMBRELLA
he’s really getting into the book
He put away the umbrella and book and stuff and now he’s measuring the grass again.
HE’S GONNA PLAY CROQUET
the sprinklers turned on…i’m two hours into this thing
DISGUSTED by obscene disrespectful artwork I have repeatedly seen with my own two eyes of Oogie Boogie with a humanlike dicko or vaginia despite the fucking fact we DANG DAMNED KNOW, BEYOND ANY CONCEIVABLE GODFUCKED DOUBT, CARL!!! that his junk would be a snake or a caterpillar or a couple of snails stuck together!!!!!!!!
IT’S NOT JUST HIS ANATOMY BUT HIS ENTIRE DAMNED ETHOS
This is a hot take that could possibly lead to chaos in the already fragile monster fucking community
If I look at a mouth and instinctually know how to kiss it with my human mouth, it is not a monster, it is a variation on a person, probably with larger than average teeth. It isn’t a monster until I have to strategize
bold of you to assume i know how to kiss a human mouth
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