just engaged in an extremely petty silent war throughout the church service i was playing organ for, which is arguably very much not in the christian spirit but it was VERY fun
i say silent war, it was a pianist vs organist war, which is probably the least silent a war could be. but at no point was war explicitly verbally declared
what happened was the pianist playing some of the hymns and mid service music came up to me as i was practising beforehand and said to me, in a very patronising “i am a middle aged man and you are but a young woman so i know more than you” way, “that gloria is very difficult isn’t it!!”. so i was like ha, not really 🙂 and he decided to grill me on my whole musical past and tell me how he was incorporating beethoven’s ninth into his pre service improv and other such pretentious things
so naturally being a competitive and petty person i decided i would absolutely have to outdo him, which was not easy considering he was playing a decent keyboard and i was playing a tiny pipe organ that often performs as if someone just kicked it down several flights of stairs
and thus throughout the service we escalated in playing ridiculously flourishy accompaniments, a battle which culminated in him physically dancing down the aisles during my last hymn shaking a maraca with total haphazard glee, which i countered by becoming maybe the first person to force several jazzy glissandi into an 11:30am pipe organ rendition of “sing hosanna”. i enjoyed every second
eucalyptus trees are full of flammable oil that causes the trees to explode during forest fires, killing other trees and spreading its seeds to grow in their place. koalas survive solely because nothing else in their environment Wants To Eat The Fucking Bombs
oh u like that? try this one: the main natural cause of death in koalas is starvation, because
1) their dumbass teeth are SHIT. to be a herbivore and chomp cellulose all day u need some real tough grinders in there, and almost every other herbivore in nature has SOME sort of dental adaptation to make sure they dont run out of tooth by the time they hit middle age. horses have big tall teeth, wombat teeth grow forever, kangaroos have got a little conveyor belt system goin on, etc etc everyone’s doin SOMETHING except fuckign koalas. idiots have tiny fuckin shortass normal teeth that do an okay job for maybe like 15 years and then wear down and leave them with ridiculous fuckin useless old man gums that do shit all. but thats fine bc all koalas do anyway is sit in trees and sleep 22hrs a day then wake up and scream and eat poison and they do this all day every day until they run out of teeth at which point they just fall out of the tree and die
2) idiots can’t die any other fuckin way bc nothing in nature wants to eat them bc their bodies are chocker block with LITERAL poison. fuckin USELESS their flesh just sits around and slowly rots bc its too gross-tasting and toxic for any animal w half a brain cell to think abt going near it. have yall ever seen koala viscera. bc i have and let me tell u that shit is RANK. looks like the inside of a smoker’s lung from some fuckdamn nicabate ad bc the tannins in eucalypt leaves stain their organs like khaki black. like some fuckin dark!steve irwin costume well better piss ur way right off from this one anti-steve bc thats a natural defense mechanism meant to warn u that koalas should in no way be alive and if u touch them theyll drag u into their stupid evolutionary dead-end where they get to sit around all day doin fuck all and pumpin themselves full of brain-killing poison while we run around makin them our olympic games mascots and pretending theyre cute and honest to god looking for ways to save them from the brink of extinction which actually is unnecessary bc a) theyre not really endangered at all, nature is a fuckign miracle and b) the drongos clearly want to die so i say let em
by the way i never elaborated on “koalas sit in trees all day screaming” but heres a lil fuckin. heres a fun nugget heres a lil soundbyte this is what koalas sound like
Also, it doesn’t matter that they’re eating brain-killing poison, because their brains are already tiny, and smooth rather than folded they way most animal brains are to increase neuron surface area. Also full of holes? These animals are so fuckin dumb, they’re basically like if vertebrates tried to evolve a scale insect.
Fucking dumbasses I love them
so they’re the terrestrial equivalent of sunfish?
im crying omg
What’s the bird equivalent
WITHOUT A DOUBT it is the kakapo, the cutest yet worst-evolutionarily-pranked bird in existence
their natural instinct when faced with danger is to just…freeze and not move….which is basically one tiny step above just walking into the hungry maw of the invasive cat/ferret/rat/raccoon/etc etc
they are also Very Bad at mating and, oh btw, mate only ONCE EVERY 5 YEARS OR SO when one particular berry (the Rimu fruit) has a good year
anyway they are the worlds heaviest parrot and only flightless one, can weigh like 4kg/9 pounds (BIG FRIEND), and if they can avoid being blissful evolutionary dum dums can live 60 TO 100 YEARS if only they can keep it together, bless them
americans think ABSOLUTELY NOTHIN of driving 7 hours. they’ll drive 7 hours just for dinner. they’ll drive 7 hours just for chips and dip
My friend in the UK told me that they only see their father like 2-3 times a year because they live so far away. When I asked how far do they live, they said that it’s a 45 minute drive……. my commute to work, five days a week is an hour.
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