paradeofconfusion:

the signs as lines from john mulaney’s kid gorgeous

Aries: “I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.”

Taurus: “College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.”

Gemini: “I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re In Dallas On Wednesday? Okay. Well, Then Let’s Just Not See Each Other For 8 Months And It Doesn’t Matter At All.’”

Cancer: “I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff.”

Leo: “You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”

Virgo: “I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room.”

Libra: “In high school, people were like, ‘What are your top 3 colleges?’ I was like, top 3 colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

Scorpio: “Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.”

Sagittarius: “Like years later, I’d be going down on some rocking twink in college and I’d be like, ‘Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?’”

Capricorn: “I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you may quote me on that.”

Aquarius: “I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t.”

Pisces: “My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said ‘God can’t hear you.’”