D&D is first and foremost a co-operative game and the enjoyment and comfort of fellow players takes precedence over whatever beautiful arc you have in your mind. If you want complete control of the narrative, write a novel.
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True for both players and DMs.
Corollary point: as a player, it’s your job to be an interesting protagonist in a way that still allows for the GM and other players to also have their fun. As a player if you’re just there to fuck around, not contribute to the story, or act like you’re the main character, go play a videogame instead.
The worst kind of player is the kind who uses their characterization to be a dick to their groupmates. “But my character is just like that” well you made a bad character for this venue, do better by your team. Think about the other people at your table and whether you’re making it fun for everyone, not just yourself.
the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Counterpoint, my good man:
Dragonsfuck
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!Â
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!Â
Seriously!!!Â
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interestingÂ
triple-counterpoint:
you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post
OP is right and they should say it
Actually…Â
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.Â
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter andÂ
i hate… i haaate when you’re talking to someone who you know won’t recognize just “dnd” so you have to say out loud “dungeons and dragons” and wait for a horde of jocks to start kicking the shit out of you
i had to tell my 71 year old grandpa i was tired today because last night was game night which meant playing Dungeons and Dragons with my friends. he asked me if i won and i had to say no i did not win Dungeons and Dragons
Dungeons and Dragons, but your character must be a self insert, and class is determined by your current abilities
Barbarian Must have a demonstrable temper, go off I guess Bard Must be able to play an instrument Cleric Must be involved in a religious organization Druid Must have demonstrable knowledge of, or passion for nature Fighter Must beat the DM in physical combat (hope your DM’s a wimp) Monk Must practice a martial art Paladin Must have a cause that one actively supports Ranger Must be able to fire a kind of ranged weapon accurately Rogue Must sneak up on the DM (Hard mode: steal their dice) Sorcerer Must have a powerful family heirloom Warlock Must work for a powerful entity (Corporations, The Government) Wizard Must have a College Degree or a 3.0 GPAÂ
If you can’t be any of these you start as a commoner, and may become one of these classes when you finally satisfy these conditions.
I one time did a campaign in DND where the entire party woke up in a trash heap, memories wiped, when a man in shining white armor approached them. He helped them up, healed them, and helped them escape what was essentially the dump and find their way into the sunlight. He told them of the tale of a wicked king of immense power who bargained for his abilities from a demon, hoping to save his kingdom, and succumbed to the evil after his wife died. The wife had a pearl necklace, and it was the man’s duty to find those pearls, because they held a magic in them that could defeat the king.Â
This particular NPC was startlingly overpowered at first, right a long the levels of 6 while everyone else was just starting out, and he helped them along in the most dire situations, healing, defeating, and even resurrecting for them. There would be periods where he would be gone, and the party would have to face a crypt full of mummies together, or dive into the deepest parts of the ocean and retrieve these milky white pearls that would give them the ability to help their friend and defeat the wicked king. Slowly, their memories came back to them, and that was a stark comfort for them, but the entire time, there seemed to be a piece missing.Â
After they retrieved 5 pearls (they broke the 6th one), they journied with the man to the wicked king’s castle, and fought their way through endless ranks of guards, undead, demons, and even a lich, until they made their way to the sacred bed chamber of the king, that they all remembered the story of from before they had awoken in that garbage pile. They opened the doors, only to find it empty, save the usual furniture, marred by scratches and the ancient scrawl of demons. The man in the white armor sighed and walked into the bedroom.Â
And his armor changed from white to pitch black, and the whole party remembered suddenly. That was the face of the wicked king, the face that smiled at them whenever he healed them, the face that looked stern as they suggested stupids things to find the pearls. Apparently, in lapses of the demon’s control, the king had found a way to set him self up for defeat, by bringing his wive’s pearls along with brave, powerful warriors. Every absence he felt was where he had to return to the demon’s control and become the wicked king again, but he was determined to fight himself, to rid his own evil from the world, to end this curse of immortality and see his loved one again.Â
I made the party fight the final boss, and they saw the eyes of a friend.Â
They all cried, and I am no longer allowed to DM for them.
chris hemsworth is like a DnD character whose class 100% does not require a high charisma stat but he put it as his highest stat anyways like “hmm I think it will be useful (:” so he just walks around as a muscle-bound brawler who can also inexplicably get anything he wants from anyone by smiling at themÂ
Him and Terry Crews
Terry Crews: high-level fighter who also multiclassed into bard, for some reason.
Chris Hemsworth: that barbarian who loves to knit.
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