So… this guy’s going around in my neighborhood, knocking on doors, and declaring that he’s running for President of the United States in 2018!
Cool. I mean… it’s gonna be a pretty difficult thing to accomplish, since the next presidential election isn’t until 2020, but… sure. You do you.
Anyway, he wants to run for president so he can get Congress to pass 35 bills. Probably should have asked why he wasn’t running for Congress, that way he could… you know… author and submit bills to be passed by Congress, but this was probably going to be the least of his troubles with this plan, so I just let him continue.
He asks if I would like to read these bills. I take a moment to think about it. There’s an 80 year old man walking door to door with a duffel bag filled with about a hundred copies of 35 congressional bills, who wants to be elected as president of the united states in 2018, and who believes completely that he can accomplish this by handing out those 100 packets?
Hell yes I want to read that!
Anyway, he gives me a packet, thanks me for his time, and leaves.
I start reading.
The first several pages are all about how he wants to tax the rich to invest in programs for the poor, create affordable housing for every homeless person in America, and to just straight up give money to every American below a certain income level. He goes on to talk about all the ways they can tax the right and how Bernie Sanders was a great man, but his policies didn’t go far enough, not by a LONG shot! We need to take MORE money from rich people and give MORE money to the poor!
This made it very confusing when I got to the bill about how we need make sure Congress can overrule any Supreme Court decision because the SCOTUS made Gay marriage legal and that’s not in the constitution and also, did you know that every communist is gay? That’s right. EVERY communist is gay. All of them. All gay. That’s how you know it’s bad to be gay. Because communists are gay. All of them. And that’s their real goal, those communists. They want to make the whole world gay and they’ve told this guy that to his face, but he’s not going to let him!
You may think I’m exaggerating here. I’m definitely not.
Anyway, the rest of the proposals are this weird mix of creating more social safety nets, getting rid of immigrants, stricter and more transparent campaign finance laws, rooting out gay people and communists from America, going green to protect against climate change, turning all of our national parks land into housing and business centers, giving $10,000 to anyone whose ancestors were once slaves, prison reform (not to make them more hospitable, but to make them intentionally worse) and giving children money. There are also bills that… I just don’t know how to describe.
One bill proposes that America build 10 dams in Africa. Cause… apparently that land’s not owned by anyone who would object…? The bill goes on to explain that the power generated will go to African people. So… yeah. 10 hydro-electric dams ought to do it, am I right? Oh wait, no, the bill goes on to explain that we’re going to get England and France involved in building dams too so that their countries can make money off of African nations as well. Yup. Because that worked real well the first time around.
Then there’s a bill about how we should require US high schools to teach EVERY child how to play one musical instrument and to speak one foreign language. The bill also states that the kid can pick any instrument and any foreign language and the teacher will just buy the necessary books to teach them that instrument/language. Oh, and also they will be required to learn Morse code. No reason given for that last one. He just thinks it’s important that EVERYONE knows Morse code.
Then there’s a bill titled, “The Family Farm Bill.” There’s no bill listed here. It just states, and I quote, “I need to talk to some family farmers to decide the best legislation for this.”
There’s a bill to declare war on every country that terrorists or any weapons terrorists use come from. He’s very proud of this bill, stating that this bill alone is the reason that Iran and the communists have joined forces to try to destroy him. Yup. That’s right. Iran and all communists are hell bent on killing the only guy in the country running for president in 2018.
Other gems in this packet include:
Calling the bills his babies and then proceeding to ask: “Please give birth to Jim’s babies.”
A link to his blog where he’ll be talking about all the other bills that he and God have come up with together.
In defense of one bill: “A country in Europe has a law like that.” Just… a country in Europe. No word on which one, but one of them did it, and it was apparently pretty cool. Not cool enough to remember which country it was or to spend 5 seconds on google to find out, but cool nonetheless.
Also, did I mention that the packet uses like 10 different fonts and font sizes for no discernible reason?
Anyway, the whole thing ends with a link to a blog post where this guy promises to name every communist in America so that we can get rid of them.
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